empty soul

So, my dad asking me not to blog anymore. cause he thinks it will distract me from other things that important. I think it's true, but this one should be an exceptional.

I took a gap year between my bachelor and my master. You know, collecting some money so I could pay my tuition. I'm trying to get scholarship at first, but it didn't work out. So I take the easy road, saving.

When I finish saving for two years, I quit my job to go to college. I'm so excited to attending my classes, meeting with new friends, learning new things in life, etc. then My dad asked me to help my grandpa with his company we had.

It was hard at first, because one third of the employee is older than me, and apparently they didn't take orders from me. they making fun of me, making me doing the job when it's supposed to be their job, doing strikes. I was a naive back then, I have lack of experience, I know nothing about ordering people around, I have to learn things that I never even knowing before.

Time past, I learn some, I win some, I lose some. time goes by, I learn more things after take some new classes. Yes, I have to re-do my classes cause I didn't finish on time. I supposed to graduate at 2021 the latest, but I didn't. I also take some classes online about managing people, learning some rules, about how to do payroll, grading, and stuff. I feel like I'm ready to take over to my family company again. But it's another story for another time.

Now I have to finish what I started long before my family company, my master degree.

it's start when my uncle taking over my family business, he said stuff. it would mean nothing if it's come from my employee, I mean, they nobody. but it's my uncle, I don't really adore him, but come on. He accused me from doing stuff, like stealing, taking some money, but what I do is far from those. I put my college money in to family business. I pay for employee salary when company can't, because company has a lot of debt. I don't even know where those money goes, I have to take responsibility for it. My dad not helping me, he didn't even helping me. My dad saying stuff like he can't pay this month mortgage, or he didn't have enough salary this month, who's gonna pay the bills, and more. So I have to take over the company business, with my own money. I hate some of my employee so much back then, they saving their own asses, today their my allies, tomorrow their not, one didn't do their work, lots of absence, didn't come to work because his family is sick. come on, it's not fair to others who work hard. he even get first class of health care while others on third class, and he dared to lecture me, not agreeing with me, and all.

Wait, come back to my school stuff. the point is, now my soul is empty. I feel like something is missing, I cried everyday till I slept. now my Mom moving in to my room, great. I feel like I'm relieved and happy to have a roommate, but the other hand, I feel like I'm suppressing my feelings. because I'm not crying anymore, while I get easily upset about everything. I sleep a lot, I easily get tired. my soul tired. I have friends, even "healing" as in taking a vacation won't do anything to me. it's vanilla.

in my head, I don't want to take my life, like suicide. but it feels like my life already dead. I can't control how people react, people will hate me for their own reasons. there's no point to making they like me.

I seek for professional help, my friend, I mean. we're taking psychology degree, if you're wondering. I pour my heart out to her, we're doing some session, I clearing my head.

also to my family, I state my own feelings, what I'm thinking about, but still... my soul is empty. no wonder I easily got scammed the other day, half of my saving got robbed but I can't tell my family cause they would be so mad at me. instead of getting hug and support, I'm afraid that I will get lecture and those sad-disappointed eyes. I can't, I don't want it.

My soul getting emptier and emptier, it crush so hard. I don't even care anymore if I end up alone, no one to marry, never has kids, or being a homeless person. I just want to get through to my life, waiting for die.

If you suggested to pray, I did pray right on time. it's not about that, I cried in my pray, I pray to Allah everyday to liven up my live. so I can face my thesis, graduate, living my life.

I can't and don't want to burden my family with my same old crap everyday, even I wanted to telling this story everyday. believe it, the story will bloom and growth, even tho it start from episode one everyday. but the more I talk about it, the more it bloom and I get my own spirit and can finish my degree, or so I hoped.

this is a pour over blog, so I just type whatever in my head. don't read it again and straight to publish it. hope it bloom.